The truth hurts- but not speaking up about it hurts even more
I have been hiding my truth for years. I repressed it so deep I had no idea I even had a truth to hide. Until it finally burst open when I felt the calling to up level my life and no longer tolerate burnout, guilt and shame. I decided to no longer wear self-sacrifice as a badge of honor, like society has taught us all to do.
This was a choice I had to make. It took reprogramming my mind, my whole being, my past, my lineage, my history. This was a heavy burden I had been carrying for many years, probably lifetimes. Letting go of this need to constantly be BUSY, BUSY, BUSY, over-doing, over-giving, over-caring to prove my self worth. There is nothing wrong with having a big heart and giving our all to people, causes and movements that are important to us but when this love is not reciprocated with soulful play and self-love we eventually end up feeling empty and resentful with unrealistic expectations and commitments that are impossible to fulfill.
I didn’t want to acknowledge this truth about myself.
Needing to prove my self worth started at a young age when I was made to feel unworthy. And told in many different ways and many different forms that there was something “wrong” with me for refusing to conform to things I didn’t believe in and also for standing up for myself when I was being intimidated or treated unfairly.
I don’t do the blame game anymore however, I do acknowledge that there are forces outside of us that absolutely make things harder for many of us to:
Taking that detour is the way to acknowledge our own power, resilience and voice, however it’s the road less traveled. It was not my fault that I didn’t have the resources in my childhood or in my teen years to feel empowered or learn how to care for my body, not be self destructive and much less how to be a successful student in a violent neighborhood- but it was my responsibility to heal, grow, survive, take a detour and thrive.
Just like it is also your responsibility to step into your wise, resourceful self, connect with your truth, your ancestors and break the cycles of shame that have held us back from being fully ourselves. It is your responsibility to take a pause reflect on your accomplishments, reflect on the positive impact you are making for your family and your community with your gifts, your time, your money. We didn’t choose to come into this world carrying this heavy burden of being compassionate warriors- but here we are.
Of course you have not yet reached your health or money goals, of course you have not taken a break, it takes extra time to learn how to do all this, plus, you’ve probably had to take several detours. This is not a linear process. You are exactly where you need to be right at this moment. You are good, you are worthy regardless of your external circumstances or your past. We have not been taught how to up-level and care for ourselves at the same time without sacrificing some part of who we are- or at least made to feel like we are “losing” something.
Who can relate to theis??? Leave a comment.
What if… maybe we never “lose” any part of ourselves in the process. What if it is possible to have work and life balance and there is no "messing up".
What if there is only growth and learning to gain in BELIEVING that work and life balance is possible for us.
If you have been carrying a disempowering belief that created a roadblock in your life I am here to remind you that, that belief is not your truth.
That belief or assumption you have been holding on to is no longer yours to carry- Release it.
If you have not paused to take a breath, if you have been hiding who you are instead of shining your light for fear of being burned at the stake, the truth is you are not alone. The truth is, its not easy to conform. The truth is you are brave and courageous for the work you do and the choices you have made. The truth is you chose to no longer turn a blind eye to the things that were clearly no longer working- in your home- in your communities- in your business- you took a detour and that is not easy but it is honorable and powerful.
Carrying this heavy burden of being seekers of truth is not always a choice as high-growth potential people like we are- but we can choose to walk this path in new and innovative ways. In a way that has never been done before. It’s time.
Wounded Healer (excerpt)
I bounced from school to school, taking the bus from Griffith Park to Hollywood Dodging weirdos,
Scientology’s personality test I took for fun, as I stepped on Stars Walk of Fame,
confirmed I was clinically depressed,
As if there was something wrong with me… and not with the authority,
The authority who’s HANDS I WAS PLACED IN TO SHAPE MY FUTURE
Authorities- who cant hear me,
they don’t see me,
“You are too soft spoken”, they said
so I spoke in words on paper instead,
And I crumpled up the prescription they read.
Another one said “Your gonna be late all your life”
and I was-
a late bloomer,
like sunflowers we expect in September, like my mother expected me,
but these flowers don’t sprout when you ask them to, so I was born in October.
One month late, according to the doctor
I didnt graduate? on time? when I was supposed to?
according to the high school…
is it too late to be me?
Yet I felt free
because I decided to sprout when no one is looking…
there is way less pressure that way,
no more of these voices drowing out what I have to say!
©2020 Betty Torres